I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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