So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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