I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
