Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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