I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
