If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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