I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
