A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I touched a dick in church today
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
