Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
