so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
