The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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