There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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