and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
not ubering you a puppy
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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