I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
