Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
