She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
