you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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