Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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