Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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