you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
