im drinking this country out of the recession.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize