okay pat passed out under dana's car
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
