great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
