I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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