I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
