2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
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