the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
