They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
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Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!