So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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