my mouth tastes like poor choices
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?