What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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