I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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