How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
