I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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