i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
