apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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