I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
