two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
