Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
