Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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