I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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