see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
