My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
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The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
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Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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