when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
