WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
