you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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