I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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