Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
