dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
