Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
