you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
