Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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