she was so not down for the gang bang
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
So squirting runs in the family.
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
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I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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