do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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