i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
