Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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