I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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